I think it’s only fitting that the first blog post I make is defining what domestic violence is. According to The National Domestic Violence Hotline, “domestic violence (also called intimate partner violence (IPV)), domestic abuse or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence does not discriminate. Anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender can be a victim – or perpetrator – of domestic violence. It can happen to people who are married, living together or who are dating. It affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels. Domestic violence includes behaviors that physically harm, arouse fear, prevent a partner from doing what they wish or force them to behave in ways they do not want. It includes the use of physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse and economic deprivation. Many of these different forms of domestic violence/abuse can be occurring at any one time within the same intimate relationship (Retrieved from https://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/).”

Let me first say that domestic violence is also much more than this. Defining domestic violence in a paragraph does not encapsulate how it feels to be in an abusive relationship, as well as everything that can happen after. One can look at these examples and say, “Oh yeah, that’s domestic violence. I see it.” If that is the case, why is domestic violence so widespread? Many of my clients often say they were blindsided by the abuse and didn’t realize that what they were experiencing was domestic violence until something or someone was able to show them. Our brains do an amazing job in protecting us from pain. Unfortunately, sometimes it does too well a job and we end up finding ourselves in situations that we don’t realize are causing more harm than anything else. It’s this not realizing the situation we are in is harming us that makes domestic violence, in my opinion, so detrimental and so widespread.

I’ve heard it compared many times to the parable about the frog in boiling water. If a frog is put in boiling water, it will jump out. However, if the frog starts in water that is a normal, safe, temperature, and the temperature begins to rise to boiling, the frog doesn’t jump out. The frog’s ability to adapt is so efficient and powerful that it adapts to the increasing temperature, and it doesn’t realize that the water is beginning to reach harmful and dangerous temperatures. I think this is a great metaphor for the experience of many of my clients.

It is easy to say, why don’t they just leave? Can’t they see that what they are experiencing is dangerous and harmful? This is not helpful and serves to increase the isolation that many people feel when in an abusive relationship. Just like the frog, many survivors adapt to the abuse they experience in order to protect themselves. This is largely an unconscious process. In a therapeutic sense, it shows survivors’ amazing capacity to withstand harmful experiences and can be something to draw upon when healing from abuse. Unfortunately, it can take a long time for people to understand and accept that they are in an abusive relationship. This is why I urge everyone to be patient with people while offering unconditional compassion and support.

Now, back to what domestic violence is, I am going to focus on power and control for this blog post. We all utilize power and control in our lives in order to construct our realities and accomplish the goals we have in life. However, there is a serious difference between utilizing power and control for prosocial behaviors in order to accomplish our goals compared to utilizing power control to force people to behave in ways that you want them to behave in order to accomplish your goals. Abusive behaviors like physical and sexual violence, intimidation, coercion, emotional abuse, and the like cause people to be set off balance in a way. It pushes people closer and closer into a stress response (fight, flight, freeze, fawn), and we cannot function at full capacity when we are in a stress response. As survivors adapt to the abuse they experience, they are also pushed into a constant state of stress where they begin to not live life at full capacity and are instead merely trying to survive.

Another large part of domestic violence is invalidation of a person’s experience. Many abusers use intimidation; physical, emotional, sexual, and verbal abuse; coercion; and denial, minimization, and blaming to invalidate someone else’s experience. This looks like yelling at someone and then blaming them for it to make the other person think that what they experienced wasn’t true. People begin to second-guess whether what they are experiencing is really happening. When someone who has power tells you that what you are thinking or experiencing isn’t correct, it makes you confused and wonder whether or not that is true. This is another attempt to thrust someone into a stress response. It’s unsettling when someone questions your reality, we aren’t expecting that to happen. Naturally, it sinks in and plants a seed. To compound that, this invalidation is coming from someone you love, someone you care about, someone you trust. Of course you are going to take their words seriously. This manipulation can be very powerful and leaves a lasting impact, even after someone leaves the abusive relationship. Constantly questioning one’s own experience is exhausting, which further weakens someone’s ability to maintain boundaries and keep themselves safe. One thing that I always tell my clients is that they are the experts on their experience. Never let anyone tell you or influence you to feel otherwise.

As you can already see, domestic violence is extremely complex. Furthermore, rarely are we taught what to do when someone does these behaviors to us. Thankfully, schools are beginning to teach healthy relationship skills, but that has not been the norm for many, many years. An essential part of this is understanding the various tactics people use to have power and control over another person.

This power and control wheel was adapted from the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project that was completed in Duluth, Minnesota, and offers an inclusive look into what power and control can look like for many types of people. I like this wheel because it integrates not only violence and examples of abuse, but other ways to coerce and intimidate people (e.g. heterosexism, transphobia, biphobia for LGBTQIA+ survivors). As you can see, there are many areas of life where someone can be abusive to have power and control over people. This is very dangerous because the more the abuse is spread into areas of a person’s life, the more difficult it is to leave the relationship, and the more dangerous it is for the survivor. I have also found that many times the abusive behaviors are directed towards the identities of a person. This includes their identity as a parent, their career identity, social identity, etc. Attacking someone’s identity is incredibly harmful and many people are not prepared for that attack. As Patricia Evans offers in her book The Verbally Abusive Relationship, abusers view their partners as extensions of themselves. The reality they have constructed does not allow them to view others as individuals, especially their partner(s). Thus, their partner’s identity is not a unique identity. It is an extension of the abuser’s identity. Any attempt on the abused person’s part to assert their identity is immediately attacked in order for the abuser to maintain their identity. Our whole lives are based on our identities. The actions we take, the jobs we have, the lives we live are influenced by how we see ourselves. Attacking this can be extremely harmful and the natural response to it is to maintain our identities however we can.

What I mean to say in all of this is that abusive behaviors are not always easy to spot, and that is intentional. It creates a “perfect storm” in a way. The abuse becomes so widespread that of course the person feels alone and like they can’t escape.

I must also note these are just some examples of what the abusive behaviors can look like. They are based on common experiences from people who have been in abusive relationships. I urge you to look at these and then apply them to your life. How might they look FOR YOU? It might not be as explicit as it is here, and it usually isn’t. However, that doesn’t mean that you can’t recognize it. Reach out to your support systems or a professional (e.g. a counselor or advocate). Get an objective view on your situation. A lot can be revealed when someone who is not you is able to look at your situation and offer a new perspective.

Furthermore, anyone can behave in these abusive ways, they are not reserved for intimate partners. Coworkers, bosses, friends, strangers, and anyone else can use these behaviors to assert power and control over people.

The Equality Wheel is really the opposite of the negative and abusive behaviors seen in the power and control wheel. This wheel shows what it looks like when we are able to engage in a healthy relationship. What I notice most about this is its collective and collaborative nature. I like to describe it as forming a win-win relationship. Abusers often act in ways that create win-lose or lose-lose situations for people, with the abused person usually losing. Another aspect of this wheel that I noticed when I first saw it is that it is simple. The power and control wheel is full of abusive behaviors. The equality wheel has examples that are more broad in nature. I like this because it enables us to choose what we want our relationships to look like. The abusive behaviors are specific and only serve to benefit the abuser. It also shows that we aren’t usually taught how to specifically behave in these ways. There is room for self-compassion there because of that.

I urge everyone to apply this to all of their relationships, not just intimate relationships. Make sure that everyone in your life is capable in acting these ways, and make it easy for you to act in these ways. We live in a very individualistic society, which makes it very easy for use to behave in ways that assert power and control over people. It sometimes takes serious intention to behave in ways that are more equal and collaborative. However, your life will change for the better and more is possible when you are able to engage in these behaviors. We are all on this planet together, and seeing others as competition is not going to serve us well. I also recognize that we are often socialized to accomplish our goals however we can, and the individualistic nature of our society causes us to view others as competition. This is especially apparent for men and how they are socialized. I don’t say that to excuse the abusive behaviors of abusive men, but to recognize that a lot of these behaviors stem from how we are raised and the way we are socialized to view the world. Additionally, many women are socialized to be caring, compromising, and to be other-focused in a sense. Thankfully, this is changing, but it also shows how this “perfect storm” that I mentioned earlier is created. Abusers are very adept at recognizing people who are easily manipulated. Unfortunately, these people are usually people who are very caring and enjoy helping other people. Many of my clients are teachers, nurses, and caregivers of some sort. I think there is a lot to take away and consider from that.

Furthermore, I need to stress that abusers cannot behave in the ways that are shown in the equality wheel. Many are able to schmooze and appear compassionate and caring, but it isn’t altruistic. There is usually an underlying agenda there. The abuser must take a serious look at themselves and their behavior and make changes, and most are not willing to do that.

So, there is a brief introduction into what domestic violence is, and the power and control and equality wheels. There is so much more that I can say because domestic violence is complex. It can look different for everyone, but I often find that the behaviors are common in the sense that each abusive behavior serves to assert power and control OVER another and push people into a stress response that forces people to live life in survival mode rather than thriving. This is why it is so important to seek out professionals to understand how domestic violence has affected your life and to understand how to recover.

If you are a survivor and would like to add something to this post about what domestic violence is, please leave a comment. Only the people who have experienced domestic violence can truly define what it is. I’ve offered a description, but it does not truly capture the way it feels or what it is like to experience domestic violence.

As I will say more and more, if you believe you are experiencing domestic violence, please reach out for support. There are so many people willing to help. Contact me, look at my resources tab, and receive the support you deserve.

Thank you for reading.