Below are books that many clients find useful when recovering from domestic violence and dealing with trauma in general. The list includes books for children and adults. I’ve included links to order the books from Amazon, but I also urge you to check your local public library or independent bookstore for a copy.
the body keeps the score by bessel van der kolk, m.d.
This is one of the hallmark books in the field of trauma. Dr. Van Der Kolk explains how trauma affects the brain and body, as well as describes multiple therapies that have been proven helpful for treating trauma. The content is a little heady and scientific but I have yet to find another book that describes trauma is such an understandable way. “In The Body Keeps the Score, he uses recent scientific advances to show how trauma literally reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust. He explores innovative treatments—from neurofeedback and meditation to sports, drama, and yoga—that offer new paths to recovery by activating the brain’s natural neuroplasticity.”
The power of attachment by diane poole heller phd
Helping others create healthy relationships has been a passion of mine since I started practicing as a therapist. This book offers great information about attachment and understanding attachment styles to create healthy relationships. Each of us exhibit a certain attachment style, which can change depending on our experiences and the people involved (i.e. we might have a secure attachment in one setting with someone and then an insecure attachment with the same person in a different setting). I recommend this to all of my clients who are working on their relationships. The exercises in the book are very helpful and this is just a great one-stop resource for creating and maintaining secure attachments.
Getting past your past by francine shapiro phd
This book was written by the creator of EMDR Therapy and is a self-help version of the therapy itself. If you’re looking to practice the elements of EMDR on your own, this is the book for you. I have found that clients find great success in applying the exercises in this book to their daily life while completing EMDR therapy with me.
THe Verbally abusive relationship by Patricia evans
In my opinion, this is “the” book about abusive relationships. Verbal abuse is the most insidious, and most common, form of abuse that people experience. Many people don’t even realize that what they are experiencing is verbal abuse. This is often because the abuse happens slowly over time and people get used to it, they make excuses and explain it away in order to maintain their image of the life they think they have. The abuser uses this to their advantage and even blames the person they are abusing for the abuse. This causes them to question their reality. They question whether what is happening really is abuse, and whether what they are feeling is true. This is called gaslighting. Verbal abuse creates a lasting impact on the brain and the way we view the world and ourselves. I urge everyone to read this book, even if they are not in an abusive relationship because it is easy to fall into these abusive patterns of behavior without realizing it. Furthermore, Patricia Evans’s explanation for why abusers abuse is very helpful and provides a great explanation for survivors who are often questioning why someone would do that to them, and to understand that the abuse is not their fault. The person experiencing the abuse never asked to be abused, yet verbal abuse often leaves people feeling like there is something about them that is flawed and deserved the abuse. This is far from the truth and can be very detrimental.
why does he do that? by lundy bancroft
This is another book that is often seen as “the” book for those going through domestic violence. Lundy Bancroft is an expert on understanding domestic violence and has spent many years researching the topic. He uncovers what domestic violence looks like and feels like, and offers an explanation as to why it happens. While he takes the stance that men are the abusers in this book, let’s not forget that men experience domestic violence as well. The principles in the book still apply, especially for men who are experiencing domestic violence. He wrote a companion book titled “Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?: Encouragement for Women Involved with Angry and Controlling Men.” This is a very helpful companion book as it offers daily practices that people can do to help them recover from domestic violence. You can order that here.
when dad hurts mom: Helping your children heal the wounds of witnessing abuse by lundy bancroft
This is another book by Lundy Bancroft directed towards helping parents understand how they can speak to their children about domestic violence. This is often one of the most difficult things that survivors go through, especially accepting that their children have been affected by domestic violence. Many parents often think that their children aren’t aware of the abuse and say that they were asleep in their rooms or were separated from the abuse somehow. This is hardly ever the case. Children are aware of what is going on, and are often confused as to why domestic violence is happening. Parents often try to protect their children by not talking to them about the abuse or not recognizing that they have been affected by it. This only serves to make the children come up with reasons on their own, which can be worse than reality as they direct the blame on themselves. This book is very helpful in reconciling that and speaking to children about domestic violence so the whole family can heal.
self-compassion by kristin neff, ph.d.
This is one of my all-time favorite books. Dr. Neff writes in a way that is easy to understand and explains why self-compassion is necessary in today’s society. We focus too often on building people’s self-esteem, but self-esteem is dependent on what other people think of us. Therefore, it is not a reliable gauge of our self-worth and leads people to feeling worse about themselves. Self-compassion is necessary for recovering from domestic violence as most survivors blame themselves for the abuse and start to believe the negative messages that abusers say to them. I recommend this book to everyone. It changed my life for the better. Also, check out her website as she has a lot of helpful exercises and guided meditations to help you practice self-compassion. She and Christopher Gormer, Ph.D., another expert on self-compassion (specifically mindful self-compassion. Look at his website here for helpful exercises and guided meditations) recently published a book titled “The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive” that I also urge you to find and read. You can find that here.
Legacy of the heart: the Spiritual advantages of a painful childhood by wayne muller
This book is geared towards people who have experienced trauma and abuse in their childhood. This is common in people who experience domestic violence later in life, especially when domestic violence is generational. However, I believe all people can benefit from this book as we all experience difficult experiences in childhood, whether it be loss, a traumatic event, neglect, abuse, etc. The description from Amazon describes the book well: “In this inspiring book, Muller reveals the resilience of the human spirit in the face of sorrow and teaches readers how to recognize and transform the damaging effects of their wounds and rediscover their natural vitality, creativity, and joy. Regardless of the specific nature of their trauma, be it family violence, alcoholism, sexual abuse, illness, or loss, Muller's book has provided countless thousands a path for the awakening of the heart that is psychologically sound and reassuring, yet challenges us at the same time to believe in the possibility of real change. Filled with practical suggestions, this is a book that will bring every reader consolation, comfort, and the courage to seek a more fulfilling way forward (Retrieved from https://smile.amazon.com/Legacy-Heart-Spiritual-Advantages-Childhood/dp/0671797840/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1549924639&sr=8-1&keywords=legacy+of+the+heart+the+spiritual+advantages+of+a+painful+childhood).”
The gifts of imperfection by brene brown
This book is extremely helpful in recognizing the lies that we tell ourselves based in fear and shame. Many clients find that their sense of shame is magnified, which makes it very difficult for them to live life how they want to after experiencing abuse. Gaslighting leaves a real mark on people and feeds into the fear and shame that are already within us to create a paralyzing fear that prevents us from living life the way we would like. Brene Brown offers very helpful suggestions in recovering from this while also validating the feelings of fear and shame that we feel. Remember, it’s not just you who is experiencing this. This is part of the human condition and you are not alone. Find solace in this sense of common humanity. Also check out Brene Brown’s other books as they are also very helpful.
It’s my life now: Starting over after an abusive relationship by meg kennedy dugan and roger r. hock
Many clients feel unsure of what to do after they are able to leave an abusive relationship. Their lives might have completely changed and the sense of security they had went with it. Dugan and Hock offer helpful advice in recovering from abuse. The description on Amazon describes the book well: “It addresses―in clear, non-threatening language―various issues associated with abuse and violence, including post-relationship emotions, psychological impact, dealing with children, personal safety, legal problems, and financial security. Each chapter dismantles common myths about being in and leaving an abusive relationship and contains activities for self-exploration that survivors can complete as they navigate a new life free from abuse. Recommended by the National Coalition of Domestic Violence, this book is designed to benefit any survivor, no matter how much time has passed (Retrieved from https://smile.amazon.com/Its-Life-Now-Kennedy-Dugan/dp/0415415195/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1549925376&sr=8-1&keywords=it%27s+my+life+now+starting+over+after+an+abusive+relationship).”
controlling people: how to recognize, understand, and deal with people who try to control you by patricia evans
This is another book by Patricia Evans where she helps the reader understand what controlling people look and act like, why they control, and what to do about it. I recommend this book to clients after they have done a lot of work in recovering from their abuse because the examples and stories Patricia Evans tells can be triggering. This book is very beneficial in preventing other controlling people in interfering with your life. Controlling people are everywhere as our society perpetuates the behavior. This book is helpful in combatting that.
the gaslighting effect: a revealing look at psychological manipulation and narcissistic abuse by reva steenbergen
One of my clients recommended this book to me and found it to be extremely helpful and validating. Here’s the description from Amazon: “Narcissistic abuse survivor Reva Steenbergen combines her own experiences with the insight of countless mental health professionals, relationship counselors, and even narcissists themselves to offer a unique perspective on narcissistic abuse and the gaslighting effect. She provides insight into the entire victim experience while taking an intense, revealing look straight into the inner workings of a narcissist. The reader will uncover the truth about who is vulnerable to the advances of a narcissist and how a narcissist pursues their target, how narcissists provide the perfect allure to draw people in, what makes a narcissist so relentlessly cruel, the mind, the method, the behavior, and the reasoning behind a narcissist's abuse, and the reasoning behind why victims stay in an abusive relationship with a narcissist (Retrieved from https://smile.amazon.com/Gaslighting-Effect-Psychological-Manipulation-Narcissistic/dp/162023596X/ref=pd_sbs_14_5/138-1992842-1620859?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=162023596X&pd_rd_r=121d4af2-2e58-11e9-8521-595168c9e43c&pd_rd_w=vgJXF&pd_rd_wg=ANxIL&pf_rd_p=588939de-d3f8-42f1-a3d8-d556eae5797d&pf_rd_r=3FPSW2KAAAPQSXEDXMSD&psc=1&refRID=3FPSW2KAAAPQSXEDXMSD).”
out of the fog: Moving from confusion to clarity after narcissistic abuse by dana morningstar
FOG stands for fear, obligation, and guilt. These are three common experiences that survivors feel as they recover from experiencing controlling and abusive behaviors. People who have experienced gaslighting and manipulation seriously question the validity of their experience. This leaves them extremely vulnerable to controlling people and perpetuates the cycle. This book offers people a path to recover from the feelings they are left with after experiencing abuse.
the whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind by daniel j. siegel, m.d. and tina payne bryson, ph.d.
“The authors explain—and make accessible—the new science of how a child’s brain is wired and how it matures. The “upstairs brain,” which makes decisions and balances emotions, is under construction until the mid-twenties. And especially in young children, the right brain and its emotions tend to rule over the logic of the left brain. No wonder kids throw tantrums, fight, or sulk in silence. By applying these discoveries to everyday parenting, you can turn any outburst, argument, or fear into a chance to integrate your child’s brain and foster vital growth. Complete with age-appropriate strategies for dealing with day-to-day struggles and illustrations that will help you explain these concepts to your child, The Whole-Brain Child shows you how to cultivate healthy emotional and intellectual development so that your children can lead balanced, meaningful, and connected lives (Retrieved from https://smile.amazon.com/Whole-Brain-Child-Revolutionary-Strategies-Developing/dp/0553386697/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1549927625&sr=8-3&keywords=the+whole+brain+child).” This book has a companion workbook that you can order here. Also check out Siegel and Bryson’s other books (No-Drama Discipline and The Yes Brain).
trauma through a child’s eyes: awakening the ordinary miracle of healing by peter a. levine, ph.d. and maggie kline
“An essential guide for recognizing, preventing, and healing childhood trauma, from infancy through adolescence—what parents, educators, and health professionals can do. Trauma can result not only from catastrophic events such as abuse, violence, or loss of loved ones, but from natural disasters and everyday incidents such as auto accidents, medical procedures, divorce, or even falling off a bicycle. At the core of this book is the understanding of how trauma is imprinted on the body, brain, and spirit, resulting in anxiety, nightmares, depression, physical illnesses, addictions, hyperactivity, and aggression (Retrieved from https://smile.amazon.com/Trauma-Through-Childs-Eyes-Awakening/dp/1556436300/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1549927888&sr=8-1&keywords=trauma+through+a+childs+eyes).”
a terrible thing happened by margaret m. holmes and sasha j. mudlaff
This book explains domestic violence in a way that children can understand. Many of clients who are children have found this book very helpful, as well as their parents. Many parents struggle with speaking to their young children about the domestic violence that occurred. This book offers a great way to accomplish that. It also helps children learn how to talk about what happened, which is extremely important for them to begin healing.
You’ve got dragons by kathryn cave and nick maland
Many children react to domestic violence with anger. This anger is often directed toward the safe parent because they are the only person who they feel safe enough to express how they feel. Unfortunately, this can be difficult for parents to handle as they are themselves recovering from the abuse and are often triggered by the outbursts. You’ve Got Dragons informs children that they are not alone in their feelings of anger, and that the angry feelings will go away on their own. The illustrations are really nice and I found that all of the children I read this book to enjoyed it and understood the message.
a volcano in my tummy: helping children to handle anger by eliane whitehouse and warwick pudney
This is another helpful book in assisting children through feelings of anger. The description from the back cover describes the book well: “A Volcano in My Tummy is about helping 6 - 15 year olds handle their anger so that they can live successfully, healthily, happily and nonviolently, with motivation, without fear and with good relationships. An accessible resource book for teachers, parents and all who care for children, it is full of stories, and easy-to-use games and exercises designed to encourage children to see their anger and to deal constructively with it. A Volcano in My Tummy includes sections on key concepts, building a child's self esteem, what adults can do when a child is angry, developing an anger management program, troubleshooting, and a special section for teachers that integrates the resource with other curriculum areas. Exercises are clearly described, indicating appropriate age levels, teaching strategies, materials and procedures to follow, with worksheets for the childrens' use. All are easily adaptable for use by teachers, parents or other caregivers (Retrieved from https://smile.amazon.com/Volcano-My-Tummy-Helping-Children/dp/0865713499/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1549927394&sr=8-1&keywords=there%27s+a+volcano+in+my+tummy).”
dinosaurs divorce by marc brown and laurie krasny brown
This books helps children understand divorce and what to expect after the divorce occurs. Divorce can be particularly difficult for children, and their parents, after experiencing domestic violence. Many children have ambivalent feelings about the abusive parent, which can be confusing for the child. This book helps children understand why the divorce is happening, that it isn’t their fault, what divorce is, what to expect after, and more. This is part of the Dino Life Guides, written by the same authors. This series includes many books to help children through difficult life events.
the boy who didn’t want to be sad by rob goldblatt
This book is helpful for when children feel sad, whether it is because of a loss, a parent or friend getting mad at them, or anything else that makes them sad. Children learn that sadness is a part of life, but sadness often brings happiness if the child can find it. Many children have mixed feelings of anger and sadness after experiencing domestic violence, and this book is helpful in managing that.
a place for starr: children and their experience of family violence: a story of hope by howard schor and mary kilpatrick
This book is a very important book because it details the journey of Starr who helps her family escape domestic violence. Children and adults can benefit from reading this book because it offers insight into how children feel when living through domestic violence. It is also helpful for children who have to leave their home to escape the abuse. This can be a traumatic and very confusing experience for children, and this book offers support for that.
love you forever by robert munsch and sheila mcgraw
Many children start to feel like their parents don’t love them, whether that happens because their parents get mad at them, they experience abuse at the hands of a parent, or a number of other situations. This book helps children understand that their parents will love them no matter what. This is very important when helping children recover from experiencing domestic violence.